In what appears to reflect a goverment-wide shift of opinion against
Microsoft, Congress today announced that it will pass legislation
requiring the software giant to attach trigger locks to their products
before shipment.
The bill, known as the Redmond Roulette law, is aimed at preventing
customers from accidently shooting their computer systems by way of
buggy and virus-prone upgrades and patches.
"We have received numerous complaints from our constituents regarding
Microsoft software, where-in, after the company fires off a patch,
installments of Windows start bleeding all over customers' hard drives
and die a swift death," said Rep. Rich Brybe. "This law will ensure that
no bodily harm will come to innocent byte-standers."
Microsoft spokesman Hugh Sless-Flak decried the bill, recalling the
company's long history of stable and innovative products in an emailed
response containing the subject title, "I LOVE YOU."
"Our customers have demanded software that is cutting edge," wrote
Sless-Flak. "So they're bleeding from puncture wounds -- not gunfire.
What's trigger locks going to do for them?"
His message concluded: "HERE IS THE DOCUMENT YOU REQUESTED FROM MELISSA."
"As usual, Microsoft just doesn't understand," explained computer
consultant Everyn Paine. "The trigger locks aren't meant to padlock the
software .. they are meant to keep Microsoft's customers from grabbing
their firearms in a moment of anger and shooting at Redmond executives."
