Warning: Rude language alert, but nothing worse than what you hear
on NYPD Blue. If you're offended by language like that, don't read this.
A recent study by the University of Redmond has found that prostitutes
in the state of Washington are lining up to be re-educated as lawyers, with
the hopes of working for Microsoft's legal team.
The research shows that prostitutes are drawn to this specific job
because, as one stated, "I could be getting $1,000 an hour to suck, instead
of $10."
The prostitutes learned about the consistently failing -- yet highly
paid -- legal team by surfing the Web on Pocket PCs left behind by their
clients. They used Pocket Word to assemble lists of Microsoft courtroom
flops such as the DOJ trial, the lost special advisor appeal, the forced
Caldera settlement, and the recent Supreme Court rulings against the
software giant. They also learned how to "beam" the list among
themselves as they walked the streets, and so share the information.
Then, capitalizing on another trick they read about on the Internet, the
women obtained $400 rebates from MSN subscriptions, which they were able
to cancel while keeping the money. They used this cash to buy a kit,
Attornies-at-Law for Dummies, which contains a self-administered
bar examination and all the forms required to declare oneself a lawyer
for a monopolistic corporation.
One prostitute, who calls herself Cherry Bomb-Dot-Com, said she already heard
back from Microsoft's personnel department. "They told me I meet the
requirements for employment on the legal team," she said, "or in the
Partnership Division, because I already know how to screw people over."
The U.R. study predicts Microsoft as being able to hire over 500
prostitutes-cum-lawyers in the year 2000 in order to meet the
growing number of courtroom challenges, and subsequently lose them.
Coincidentally, with Microsoft's favoring benefit-free contract
employees over full-timers, the void left by the departing streetwalkers
is expected be filled by fired technical support personnel, who already
know to ask for money before performing any services.
