Concerned Citizen: "Steve! I see a shark in the water! You'd better warn
everyone."
Steve [politely]: "Thank you for the information, but according to our
research, there have been no significant customer complaints regarding
sharks."
Citizen: "But there is one! Over there! Can't you see it?"
Steve: "We provide a multi-purpose, innovative, feature-rich beach. We are
not responsible for anything misusing the beach. But for your convenience,
we do post signs letting you know where you can buy sunscreen."
Citizen [agitated]: "Sunscreen's not going to protect anybody from a
damn shark. Oh my god! The shark is attacking that guy! Do something!"
Steve: "Look, to paraphrase beach expert Jim Allchin, 'putting in
shark restraints is better than changes in lifeguard operation'.
I"m supposed to look out for people, not sharks, and so I am
performing that job excellently."
Citizen: "But, you just let that guy get killed!"
Steve: "No -- the whole time, he was not harmed once by people."
Citizen: "Oh, crap! Look out! The shark is coming this way!"
Steve [annoyed]: "I have been observing this shark for some time,
carefully gathering data. Note that the sand has not once been tampered
with."
Citizen: "That's great, the sand is fine while you just allowed some
poor bastard to be eaten!"
Steve: "The individual should have backed up. We always stress the
importance of backing up."
Long shot: The shark is approaching the shore quickly in the direction
of Concerned Citizen and Steve Ballmer.
Citizen runs up a dune, looks back, trying to catch his breath.
Close up: Shark catches a freak high wave, lands on Steve's lap.
Effects: Steve is painfully devoured, screams for help.
Citizen narrating, voice-over: Cupping my mouth, I yelled back something
that Steve once told me would help recover from great damage: "I'll send
you a patch!"
Epilogue, voice-over: Steve's employers denied that there ever was
a shark. They blamed the swimmer's death on his poor ability to
reach customer service. Steve's death was blamed on a hardwave power
surge that had nothing to do with their saltware.
The END.
