U.S. District Court Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson has ruled MicroFits,
the Jab giant, guilty of violating the Sherman and Peabody Antitrust
Act. Jackson found that the Web site used its position to "monopolize
the Redmond humor market" to the detriment of destitute Microsoft executives
and the family members whose mouths they are struggling to feed.
"I am only trying to do what visitors demand," responded SJS Web
Hack, MicroFits Chairman and Chief Jabware Architect. "Do you have any
idea how many sleepless nights I've had trying to come up with funny
stories? Do you? Okay, maybe one or two -- but jeeze was I
cranky the next morning."
Jackson wrote that MicroFits violated Section 2 of the Sherman and Peabody
Act by its constant referrals to outdated Microsoft products, also known as
an abuse of the Wayback clause. He also wrote that the site violated
Section 1 by unlawfully tying its humor to a single operating system.
"The facts found do not support the conclusion, however, that the effect
of MicroFits' marketing arrangements with Victoria's Secret constituted
unlawful exclusive dealing," Jackson wrote.
The case will now proceed to its final phase, during which Jackson will
likely hear more arguments from each side and then decide what remedies
to impose on MicroFits. He could do anything from breaking up the Web site
into "baby beasts", to imposing restrictions on how vulgar any one page
may be.
