Bill Gates, Microsoft Chairman and Chief Software Architect, was interrupted
during his keynote speech about the Windows 2000 release by his evil nemesis,
Dr. Geekill.
Geekill -- who was foiled in his previous plot to implant bugs into
Windows 98 and so keep it from becoming the cutest operating system ever
-- had been thrown into the future in his last battle with the
world's richest man when the exhausted Gates accidently whined the same
pleas that happened to be playing on a WebTV tuned to a rebroadcast of
his DOJ testimony at the time. The twin beseeching vocalizations caused a
rift in the space-time continuum and sucked Geekill into the vortex.
In unraveling his new scheme before imposing his doom, Dr. Geekill said he
was able to travel back from the year 3000 by using a Sun Windows
workstation in the Gates-funded MIT building, the Laboratory for
Computer Science. He said it was simple to take advantage of a
Chrononet bug by running a "Hello, World" program written in Gates Java
and pressing the Control-Alt-Timetravel keys at the same time.
"Gates, I have returned to destroy you, or give you a decent haircut,
whichever will improve your image," mocked Geekill.
"To help me, I have created a mutant race of LinuX-Men," he continued,
"fierce programmers who work only to improve the world, and they're not
afraid of in-depth interviews."
"Your handyman's-special clones do not scare me," replied Gates in
booming monotone. "Here's my own plan!" he said, and pulled back the
curtain to reveal 500 Mini-Geeks: Identical -- if diminutive -- copies
of himself.
"I am going to release my Mini-Geeks, to deploy in the Fortune 500
corporations, and they will report back to me the innermost secrets and
ideas!"
"And I suppose you've conveniently armed them with 500 backstabbing
knives?" Geekill retorted.
"Become my 'partner' and you'll see!" said Gates, and he directed his
duplicates at the LinuX-Men: "Innovate them!"
The conference hall then filled with the sounds of battle. Audience
members fled in terror, clutching their Windows 2000 mouse pads and
t-shirts. But then, a lone figure appeared on stage, and the combatants,
noticing the entity, gradually stopped their aggression.
"I," he said, "am Microsoft Bob. I have been where both of you have been
before. I was expected to help the world, but in the end they just
laughed at me.
"Neither of you can unilaterally provide all of the answers. Why don't
you try supporting each other? Otherwise, you're just wasting time on
'solutions' that have been proven to be failures."
Geekill looked at Gates, and the pair hesitantly approached each other.
"Look, Gates, I--" Geekill started, but Bill quickly pulled out
a rolled-up software license and stabbed him in the heart. Gates
grinned as Geekill sank to the floor.
"Nice job, Bob," Gates said over his shoulder to the figure. "I knew it
was a good idea to keep you around for something."
Bob smiled and headed back to his desk in the public relations department.
Epilogue
Bill Gates, enjoying the media attention from the attack, hired the
leaderless LinuX-Men to repeat mock battle scenes at later conferences.
Bob eventually left Microsoft to form his own company, Corbis.
Though presumed dead, Dr. Geekill's body was never found ...
