Update: So you thought our stories were mere fiction? (Please see
paragraph in bold below.) Well, the Register
reports a recent incident where over a thousand customers had $500
or more wrongly deducted from their accounts this week as part of a
trial of a new Microsoft bilking -- er, billing -- system. For the
bother of causing its cursed-omers bounced checks, the Beast is giving
the afflicted a whole huge month's subscription ($19) for free!
Along with the release of Microsoft's new Uranus class of portable
computers, named Handheld PC 2000, is the discovery of yet another
ailment related to the infamous Windows interface.
First, if you recall, was the complaint known as "Reboot Back," caused
by having to bend over and press the reset button numerous times during
the day. The Redmond giant cured this problem by asking PC manufacturers
to make smaller units that could sit on the desk and offer the button at
a convenient level.
Next was the degenerative wrist-based condition called "Carpal Tunnel
Syndrome." Millions of people began to suffer from this fate when
Microsoft innovated a type of forced online registration that demanded
the entry of volumes of information that Internet Explorer would
subsequently lose, and so require the re-typing of the same information.
This process would repeat itself until the Redmond servers would finally
receive the data and then misplace it anyway because their systems were
currently being flooded with "I LOVE YOU" Outlook viruses.
Microsoft had addressed this serious condition by changing its licensing
so that you never own a copy of its software, and therefore registration
is not required. For your convenience, the company deducts a yearly fee
from your bank account in return for automatic upgrades that correct the
miscalculations that overcharged you the previous year (for which they
will not provide refunds, but rather credit your account).
Now comes an affliction related to the use of Microsoft's latest attempt
in the PDA market. Analysis has shown that during Handheld PC use --
wherein the customer's information is typically mangled by the $1,000
device or stolen through a new breed of Windows CE viruses -- the user's
middle digit is frequently forced upward in response to the unit's
actions. This repeated movement causes strain on the finger's tendon,
making it difficult for the customer, in the normal course of the day,
to render apropriate opinions while driving or contributing to school
board meetings.
Microsoft spokesman Hugh Sless-Flak said the company is aware of the
problem, and is taking appropriate steps.
"With desktops, most users take out their frustrations by pounding on
the inexpensive keyboard," Sless-Flak said. "With the portables, it's
difficult to find a place to hammer on it without destroying the flimsy
components.
"Microsoft plans to innovate a solution to this issue by supplying tiny,
disposable keyboards that the user may carry along with him or herself.
When annoyed, he or she can take one out, place it on the floor, and
jump up and down on it," Sless-Flak continued.
Pricing for the mini-keyboards has not been set, but they will be
offered in packages of 100 in an assortment of "cool colors."
