Microsoft to Charge End-User "Virus License"

Responding to a recent spate of Windows-specific viruses, Microsoft announced that it will be charging end-users a fee for these programs.

"In order to recoup our loss in profits to software that is smaller, faster, and more efficient than our own products, we must resort to this strategy," said Microsoft spokesman Hugh Sless-Flak. "It's only fair, since customers welcome these viruses and cease to commit to our upgrade schedule."

As an example, Sless-Flak pointed to public reaction of Melissa and CIH (also known as the "Chernobyl" virus).

"People now rely on Melissa to accurately send their Word documents to an email distribution list," said Selss-Flak. "Also, CIH is used to quickly format and reset their computers as an aid to reinstalling Windows.

"If these viruses have become utilities, then customers must respect our domain and pay a fee to operate them in our environment."

Programming consultant Everyn Paine claims that Microsoft is envious of the viruses, and he feels this is their only way to make money on the new technology.

"They can't write productive, efficient software themselves, so they're going to charge users a jealousy tax. All this just so their technical support can tell a user who needs to reinstall Windows, 'we recommend you run CIH first.'"

Microsoft admits that it may distribute certain beneficial viruses under its own brand, but denies it is taking this action solely to make more money.

"Customer satisfaction is very important to us," Sless-Flak said. "But we feel that if anyone is going to distribute viruses that make the best use of our underlying code, it should be us."

UPDATE: Microsoft is now considering whether to offer certification for virus vendors so they can use the official "Windows logo" on their products. Microsoft admits that it may be difficult to enforce a license on the thousands of existing viruses, and so the Redmond company may instead rely on hackers coming forward and registering their wares to share in marketing and distribution profits.

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