Microsoft Releases Windows for Swipe Cards

Borrowing from their ample software-stealing methodology, the Redmond giant announced they will be incorporating idea swiping and viral distribution technologies into their new product, Windows for Swipe Cards.

Chairman and CEO Bill Gates said the cards will literally "swipe" anything they come into contact with, encoding and transmitting the information to Microsoft.

"Technology is changing faster than we can hire executives to work on plundering it," said Gates, "so we're getting users to do it for us.

"This will leave us lots more time for writing cool keynote speeches on the obvious," he said.

Gates is hoping software vendors will build on Windows for Swipe Cards so he can gain access to their core secrets.

"Companies are going to take [Internet] authentication a lot more seriously than they have to date," Gates said. "And since security is an area we fail at, we plan on grabbing their best ideas and using them in future versions of Solitaire and Notepad, our two most popular -- and most stable -- products."

Information gathered when customers make use of their Swipe Cards in health or financial service areas will also help Microsoft determine how much to charge individuals for software they are planning to rent.

"If, like, Joe Dogfood uses his card at the doctor's office, and it records he's going to croak, we need to know that so we can charge him more up front for the software he's getting from us," Gates explained.

"Also, we can delete that software as soon as we find out he's bankrupt or homeless."

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