Redmond Declared Software Superfund Site

by Noah Bahdi, staph writer

Owing to the massive amounts of coding and security pollution discharged by Microsoft Corp., the Environmental Protection Agency has declared Redmond, Washington, a Software Superfund Site.

In general, Software Superfund sites are locations that pose serious hazards for computers and their owners. Systems are rendered bloated and inoperable, and users are inundated with health hazards, including headaches, neck pains, and strained credulity.

Stricken communities lose millions of man-hours in productivity, and businesses are forced into quarantine until infected products are rendered harmless.

By being declared a Software Superfund site, Microsoft will be eligible for funds which can be used to hire competent programmers, and executives who can remember what they said or wrote on previous occasions.

In addition, Microsoft will be required to clean and return all ideas they have stolen and tainted, and decontaminate their morals and ethics to federal standards (currently no more than one bad deed per thousand).

The EPA is also looking into the company's keynote speeches and other published works, acknowledging them as possible sources of rampant greenhouse-effect gas, as they are similar in nature to the digestive by-products of male cattle.

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