Microsoft Releases Windows Source, Warns Users Not to Stare Directly At It

Microsoft today released the millions of lines of source code to their flagship product, Windows, and strongly warned programmers to not stare directly at the output.

"Just like in the famous Indiana Jones scene," said company spokesman Hugh Sless-Flak, "it could melt your eyes. We suggest you view the code only through a de-psychosis filter, which we will provide."

Microsoft wished to point out that this issue is not a bug, but merely a documented side effect. Also, readers are encouraged not to speak the lines of code aloud.

"We've already received reports on babies wailing and dogs keening and snapping at their tails," said Sless-Flak.

The first careful glances at the code -- it's written in QuickBASIC -- revealed a lot about how their programming shop operates. For instance, some of the comments included statements like, "don't touch this, could warp space and time" and "oh my God, what have we wrought."

"They're like mad scientists," said programming consultant Everyn Payne. "They mix things together without realizing what the consequences are, but these combinations become rigorously entrenched so they can't ever be removed."

Payne gave as an example Solitaire, a game Microsoft has included with every version of Windows.

"It's always included because, due to their sloppy coding and integration habits, it's actually required to keep the operating system from crashing," Payne said.

Literary historian Muss T. Tome has noted a similarity between the code and the Cthulhu writings of H.P. Lovecraft.

"I can't tell whether it's intentional or not," said Tome, "but used in the correct environment, it could possibly raise an unwanted spector, just like the familiar Blue Screen of Death."

The 300-gigabyte source code file can be downloaded from Microsoft's Web site.

This site is hosted by The Microsoft Boycott Campaign. These pages have been archived here to preserve anti-Microsoft content and will not be updated. Originally created by "SJS Web Hack." ©2001 The Microsoft Boycott Campaign, under the Open Content License. User Agreement, Copyright, & Privacy Policy.