Bill Gates Personality Reorganization Expected

Representatives for Bill Gates announced plans for a personality reorganization. While it happens every year, this event takes on special meaning due to the Department of Justice antitrust trial.

Gates's new personality is planned to contain simpler Business Bill, Family Bill, and Community Bill modules. It was noted that due to a bug in Business Bill, he did not know the definitions of certain words, like "is" and "I", as evident in his videotaped DOJ deposition. His language and spelling files have since been upgraded.

Also slated for inclusion are new Party Bill and Warmth Bill components.

"The last two items were three years in the making," says Hedly Shrink, lead personality programmer. "We want Bill to loosen up a bit, laugh at himself a bit, so the Party module is important. We just hope his body doesn't reject it."

The Warmth Bill module was already in place as a beta since last year, claims Shrink.

"It was activated infrequently, but the testing was important. We'd like the richest man in the world not to appear as a stuck-up dork bent on imposing his warped view of reality on everyone. But we'll keep that as backup should he wish to become a politician."

The Warmth module will make it possible for him to ask others how they feel, and what they think of his products.

"And this time Listening will be turned on," Shrink says.

Planned for removal is the Screaming Maniac Bill.

"We put that in as a joke, but it accidently became predominant when he was dealing with his employees. You can imagine, we're very embarrassed by that gaffe."

An "Easter egg" was also added during the personality upgrade. Shrink reveals, "if you squeeze his hand and nose at the same time, Bill will recite the names of all of the programmers who worked on his new personality."