Ed. note: This file was originally posted September 1999. In November 1999, it was reposted with the update shown for item 1. The most recent accurate prediction we're claiming is item 2.

Microfits - Jabs at the Redmond Beast

Microfits Predictions for the Year 2000

You can be sure there will be a spate of year-2000 predictions, so we here at Microfits want to get our Redmond-centric list out early.

- 1 -

In an attempt to bolster Windows popularity, Microsoft will begin producing movies that show its ersatz graphical DOS shell in a positive light.

The first flick will be about a geek who uses his crash-prone computer to save the Earth from alien invaders. He connects it to the mothership's extremely intelligent system, which -- unable to handle the endless flow of self-righteous conflicting logic -- promptly blows up.

UPDATE: Microsoft produced and released Microsoft eXtreme [page now gone] in selected movie theaters for a one-day show on November 6, 1999. (It was a fantasy about how Windows 2000 solves all of mankind's woes. Starring Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr., and O. J. Simpson as "Chucky.")

- 2 -

Bill Gates will release a new book in which he predicts that men, one day, will set foot on the moon.

This book, representing the thoughts of the richest man ever, will amaze critics by having a cover that is even more dull than the last one.

UPDATE (June 2000): At the World Congress of IT (WCIT) in Taipei, Bill Gates is quoted as saying that the cost of the software development required to deliver Microsoft's vision "will cost more than three times more than the amount of money to put a man on the moon." Notice Gates doesn't use the past tense in the moon reference -- he said "to put", as if in the future. While not in a book, Microfits happily takes claim to its second accurate prediction.

- 3 -

During yet another antitrust trial, a Microsoft executive will break down crying, saying he can't stand the pressure of lying anymore.

Company spokesmen will disclaim the outburst, saying the executive was under stress from endless sleepless nights worrying about what customers wanted.

- 4 -

Hillary Clinton will be indicted for campaign fund misuse in her senatorial run, and the cause will turn out to be Microsoft Excel's improper handling of the year 2000 in calculations.

Microsoft will disclaim all responsibilty for the mishap and will refuse to reimburse Clinton for her jail time. However, they will offer her a patch to fix an alimony payment timetable.

- 5 -

Microsoft will market Windows CE-controlled cryogenic chambers.

Family members will be able to view the frozen remains over the Internet. Their motto will be, "A computer on every crypt and in every tomb."

- 6 -

Gates' house will catch fire, and the Windows CE-controlled sprinklers will fail to work.

Analysis will determine the cause to be Bill's failure to register the software, which refused to work without a valid serial number.

- 7 -

Microsoft will sell Windows-based candy. The jelly-type candy will be shaped like cutesy Office assistants.

Several people will die from food poisoning, but the company will insist there has been no "significant customer complaints."

- 8 -

Windows 98 will become a board game, based on Clue® ("Printer Setups, with crashed Properties, under File!").

Players will get repetitive dice-throwing injuries.

- 9 -

Bill Gates will lose his voice for a month after screaming at employees when he finds out Windows 2000 is based on the Commodore 64 operating system.

He will demand to know why they didn't use the code from the Commodore 128 instead.

( Vote for your favorite item )



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