NOAA to Name Hurricanes after Microsoft Products

To help people better understand the mercilessly destructive power of this element of nature, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Adminstration has decided to name all hurricanes born during the 1999 season after Microsoft products. They claim the use of human names can lull citizens into thinking the storms are mild manifestations, so this will scare people into appropriate action.

Suitable names will be applied as a storm develops and its path of travel is determined. Here's a sample list, in order of growing strength:

• Tropical Storm Frontpage
  A feeble wind that threatens to improve to something stronger, but never does. But take care, it may strip the shirt from your back.

• Category 1: Hurricane Outlook
  Be sure to secure your treasured property, because this hurricane will attempt to scatter it all over the county.

• Category 2: Hurricane Word
  Can obliterate all important and cherished possessions, and a great deal of time will be spent trying to piece shreds back together. It is also known for soaking things in such a way that they remain permanently bloated.

• Category 3: Hurricane Office
  Capable of causing massive landscape destruction with extremely long clean-up times. Expect to rebuild and restock your home every time this storm passes through.

• Category 4: Hurricane Microsoft
  Named for the corporation itself, this incredible force is noted for blowing everything out of a territory and leaving nothing behind, not even trees or dirt. It will be prohibitively expensive to resettle in the area.

• Category 5 (theorical) Hurricane Windows
  Equivalent to a massive asteroid strike, this hurricane will make you sorry you ever decided to reside on planet Earth. Not only will it destroy everything you've every owned, it will keep you from doing anything productive for the rest of your life.

NOAA states that a Category 5 hurricane is virtually impossible, but due to the way the winds in Redmond, Washington rapidly shift, it may, one day, actually form.

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