Microsoft Windows Kills First-Born Males; Gates Addresses Issue

Empire Microsoft has released a statement confirming that their flagship product could, in some cases, kill the first-born male child in the user's family, but denies that such an event has actually occurred.

"We've received no significant customer complaints on this issue," said Empire spokesman Hugh Sless-Flak. "Obviously, we're very concerned about the situation, and we're working vigorously to get to the truth of the matter."

Meanwhile, Pharaoh and Living God Bill Gates read a statement at a press conference in an attempt to defuse Microsoft's recently growing troubles.

"We admit that our products, under some extreme and unlikely events, could result in negative customer issues," said Pharaoh Gates. "The hail and locust GPF issues were duplicated in our labs, but it took an unlikely combination of procedures to initiate these complaints."

For example, one of the Empire's documented procedures for causing boils included turning on the computer, starting Microsoft Word, and using the letter B in a document.

"But I ask you, who would really do these things?" said Sless-Flak.

Pharaoh Gates announced that the male-killing can be prevented if the user splashes red blood over his or her door.

"I think this is a cool thing to do anyway," Pharaoh Gates said. "But if this also prevents a problem we don't see happening, then we're glad to serve our customers in this manner."

In other news, Pharaoh Gates has been playing down the recent popularity of Mosix, an up-start savior. When asked about Mosix's plan to part the Redmond Sea, Pharaoh Gates said, "customers have been enjoying the uniformity of our slavery-based products, so I don't understand why they'd be interested in this 'freedom' thing."

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