Microsoft Hires Execs' Kids as Public Relations Consultants

Past President Jimmy Carter said he used young daughter Amy's opinion of war and politics to support his decisions. In a similar fashion, Microsoft executives have announced they will be hiring their own children to run a public relations campaign to respond to U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson's finding that Microsoft has an operating system monopoly.

Heading the campaign will be company president Steve Ballmer's 7-year-old son, Sam.

"My Daddy doesn't do bad things. Judge Jackson is a very bad man. He hurt my Daddy and Uncle Bill [Gates]," said Sam Ballmer, meeting with the press during recess at his elementary school's playground. "If they were in my school, they would get detention and hafta write, 'I will not restrict innovation and customer demand' a billion-zillion times!"

Sam said he will form a committee to draw pictures of how good Microsoft is, and mail them to the Department of Justice.

"I will also work will Uncle Bill's kid to write keynote speeches, and we will give talks at all the expo's and stuff," Sam said.

Some of the children have also begun to man the support lines at the Redmond giant's campus. Customers have been enamored by their cute responses, even though they just refute problems and never provide solutions. Recent exhanges have included:

Caller: "I need to know how to disable Outlook's automatic running of macros."
Joey: "Whyyyyyy? Whyyyyyyy?"

Caller: "Windows keeps crashing."
Stevie: "Nuh-uh!"

Caller: "I think Excel deleted my spreadsheet files."
Sally: "Hi! My name's Sally! What's yours?"
Caller: "Carl. I need help recovering my spreadsheet files."
Sally: "Hi, Carl! My name's Sally! What's yours?"

As the schoolbell rang, Sam said he was excited at the possibility of working with Microsoft's lead defense attorney, Jar Jar Binks.

"He's so cool!" Sam gushed. "I know he's imaginary, but he'll help in our appeal and show that Microsoft is a great innovator and always does what the customers demand, for real."

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