Microsoft to Begin Marketing Herbal Supplements

Microsoft Corp. has announced its plans to enter the growing herbal supplement field with two products specifically marketed at the computer user.

Uncle Bill's Herbal Innovations will be their first entry. Taken twice a day, Innovations claims to "induce a feeling of euphoria such that anything that has ever been done, or ever will be done, is somehow a result of the actions of the taker," according to product literature.

Company spokesman Hugh Sless-Flak disclaims the intent of the product to assign false achievements.

"It's only use in this manner is to aid in building up one's self-assurance," said Sless-Flak, "so any future task will not seem formidable. I mean, if you feel like you're the one who invented the personal computer, then being assigned to sort columns in a spreadsheet will seem like a piece of cake, right?"

The second product, to be released in the fall, is to be named Eternal Coolness. It touts the ability to impose a feeling that everything you do is desired by everyone else, and that you're the one everyone looks to for directions on everything in life.

"It's not meant for people who already think they are cult leaders," joked Sless-Flak. "But sometimes you need to have an aura that you really know what you're talking about, and that your plans are based on facts that are grounded in reality. This product will give you the confidence to convince anyone of anything."

This is actually Microsoft's second attempt in the consumables arena. Their first product, High-n-Mighty Dog Food, a bitter-tasting biscuit for inner-circle ideologists, failed in initial tests.

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