Gates Donates $5 Billion to Aid Windows Widows and Orphans

Admitting guilt over keeping loved ones away from families -- due to the numerous hours spent trying to get Microsoft programs to function -- company Chairman and CEO Bill Gates has decided to donate $5 billion to the William Gates Ego Disbursement Fund.

"Having innovated a family of my own, I have knowledged the issues my products empower," said a teary-eyed Gates during a press conference. "I deployed three hours reloading Windows 98 and missed the occasion of my child's first words: a cursing-out of my subordinates."

The Gates fund was established to purchase news and publication media to make sure his name and writings are constantly in circulation. This specific donation will bankroll an advertising campaign, entitled "Being Sorry is Cool," that will show Microsoft Office's dancing paperclip character emailing customers' families to tell them their mom or dad will soon be home.

"I want it to interface with every desktop and every home, and touch fingertips, because user satisfaction keeps me awake at night," Gates said. "A spouse or parent may not be physically on the road ahead, but that doesn't mean their kin shouldn't feel them in their digital nervous systems."

In Microsoft insider parlance, the families of Windows users are known as "widows and orphans" because of the unrelenting time and dedication required by a user to keep the program running. Gates said registered users will be sent a black arm band displaying a Windows logo patch and the letters MIA/POW (Missing in ActiveX/Prisoner of Windows).

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