Microsoft Proposed Antitrust Settlement to Include "Frontstabbing"

by Myo Pinyin, staff writer

Microsoft has offered to meet with officials from the Justice Department and the 19 states suing the software giant on antitrust charges to propose something it calls "frontstabbing."

"We admit to engaging in backstabbing in all of our previous dealings with other companies," said Microsoft spokesman Hugh Sless-Flak. "We wish to remedy the situation by adjusting our tactics to 'frontstabbing,' wherein everyone knows from the start that we plan to screw them over."

Attorneys for several states called the move an enormous concession.

"Imagine how many man-hours we waste trying to decifer Microsoft's legalese," said East Virginia attorney Les Yuman. "If they could just state up front, we're going to steal your code or we're going to make your business atrophy, we'd have more time to devote to prosecuting other companies. Like, one of our backlogs includes suing aspirin makers for having difficult-to-open bottles."

Sless-Flak would not give particulars on the new contract and license wording, stating, "we first want to test it in our million-dollar law-usability labs. Then we'll beta it out to small companies we plan to buy."

Noah Bahdi contributed to this report.