Microsoft to Become FDA Drug Beta Test Site

The Federal Drug Administration has announced an agreement whereby Microsoft gets to test relaxation drugs not yet on the market. According to the FDA, Microsoft executives represent a large sample of people who admit to being constantly frightened, nervous, and sleepless.

"These employees have confessed, for years, to endless worry and anxiety over everything that other software companies are doing," said FDA spokesman Hal O'Peridol. "We see them as an excellent control group for testing new drugs aimed at calming one's need to (a) protectively buy up everything in sight, and (b) write endless speeches and books claiming their corporation is omnisicent and beloved."

Microsoft Chairman and CEO Bill Gates was quick to state that this pairing does not indicate a flaw with their high-level staff, but merely addresses their desire to be "even more perfect."

"It's stressful to maintain a constant vigilance in delivering what the customers desire," said Gates. "Our executives want to re-nimble their fingertips and continue to distribute knowledgebases at the speed of light."

When Gates was asked whether he himself was a part of the drug tests, he said no.

"My digital nervous system has no need to install chemical innovations. I'm operating as-is," Gates said.

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