Microsoft to Call AOL, Sun, Netscape as Proof of Demonic Forces

Microsoft Chairman and CEO Bill Gates announced that they plan to ask the Department of Justice to compel AOL, Sun, and Netscape to testify in court to help prove that demonic forces are conspiring against his company.

"We admit to being merely human, and our products are written by humans, so there is bound to be the rare imperfection," said Gates. "As such, we find it highly suspect for not one, but three other companies to have not only gathered enormous respect and loyalty for their services and products, but have also -- for so-called coincidental reasons -- decided to link their businesses together."

Gates claims that "this is a sure sign that demonic forces are at work, and we are a hapless victim." They will request that the antitrust case against them be immediately dismissed.

In a rare show of public emotion, Gates decried, "we spend billions of dollars telling people how great our products are, and these others spend nothing compared to us, but they get all the admiration! You can't tell me they aren't using Satan to sway the people against us."

In an odd move of affiliation, Jerry Falwell has announced his support for Microsoft. "God Himself has told me that the Word of the Lord is to be distributed in Word format. I am 100% behind the heavenly Gates and will help to protect him against those open sources of evil."

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