Microsoft Automates Customer Service

Microsoft is responding to demands for better customer service by offering what it calls "Human-Simulated Warmth." This new service supplements telephone calls with automated verbal patterns that give the customer the impression that a caring human being is on the other end.

With random additions of such statements as "heavens!," "I feel your pain," and "gosh, that is a doosy" during lull periods in the conversation, Microsoft tech employees will seem to be both concerned for and attentive to customer problems and complaints.

Built onto the basic, generic responses will be three levels of support for different clients:

• Microsoft Premier Butt-Kissing Support for Rich Corporate Clients will include additional feedback phrases like, "yes, your lordship" and "I'll get right on a plane and fly out there now."

• Microsoft Professional Coddling Support will help keep high-end programmers and developers from jumping ship with supplemental lines as, "we're sending you a new beta and T-shirt" and "the engineers said they'd name the fixed subroutine after you."

• Microsoft Personal Hand-Patting Support will use sayings like, "it's not your fault, it's just bad karma" and "we're sending you a coupon for some free chocolate."

Microsoft also plans to sell this technology to others. Potential clients include schoolboards and the IRS. ( Vote for your favorite item )

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