Microsoft Dumps Java for "Cool"

Unwilling to live up to the terms of someone else's contract, Microsoft is planning to dump Sun's programming language Java in favor of a new one code-named Cool. Some planned features of this new language include:

• Ability to automatically snoop out and disable competing programs your customers are using (so Microsoft doesn't have to continue to pay their own programmers to do this).

• Ability to generate error messages that say "It's not this program's fault. It's RealAudio" (or whatever software is installed - a non-Microsoft product name will randomly be grabbed from the list of installed programs).

• Ability to automatically download the latest jargon for your program's splash screen without the need for changing the code (like now it may say "with ActiveX components" and this afternoon it can say "with CoolX components").

• Ability to automatically apply for patents for every subroutine you code.

• Ability to shroud your entire program within an Innovation Engine(tm), which brags about achievements when queried but otherwise provides no new functions.

• Ability to require the installation of Internet Explorer (even if your program has nothing to do with the Internet).

Microsoft will be shipping a trial (no pun intended) version of Cool on a CD-ROM which, like most trial versions of their products, will be expired and un-removeable (also planned features for the new Cool Installation Pak).