Inside Story: Microsoft Rejects Offer to be Bought by Microsoft

by Noah Bahdi, staff writer

After a frantic spending spree aimed at bolstering profits for its next quarterly report, Microsoft found it had rejected an offer to buy itself.

In a surreal twist, it was found that one Microsoft department was rejecting overtures from another because they didn't want "that bumbling pack of greedy idiots" overseeing them, unaware they were already a part of the same Redmond giant.

An anonymous source familiar with both branches said the whole scenario began when the Pillage Division sent its list of company buyouts to the newly formed Accounting Cookery Unit. This unit was purchased from another company several months ago after an embarrassing revelation during the Department of Justice antitrust trial when Microsoft admitted it kept its ledger on scraps of paper and its cash in trunks of executives' cars.

It seems the accounting employees didn't even know they were working for a new company, as their revised employment contract was printed on the back of their subsequent paycheck -- in small type and light ink -- with the proviso that signing and deposting such check meant they accepted the terms and conditions.

So, when these employees received Microsoft's purchase list for approval, they thought it was an attempt to procure their own unit (not knowing that they had already been absorbed) and so they quickly moved to reject the offer.

One accounting member was heard to say, "Our professional reputations will be ruined if we're in any way associated with that bumbling pack of greedy idiots. We'd rather work for the federal government."

Microsoft refuses to admit any knowledge of this episode.

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