Melissa Virus Uses Dead Bob's DNA to Spawn Evil Offspring

Like a tale that could only be fabricated by the National Enquirer, the virus once used to send Word documents to an email distribution list more accurately than Outlook itself has now given birth to twins that are genetically linked to Microsoft Bob, who was recently found dead in a Redmond slum.

The child viruses, U and V, annoy email recipients by sending them cutesy Microsoft Assistants -- like the dancing Paperclip -- which can never be turned off. Users are conned into opening the email because it has a return address of "support@microsoft.com" and the subject line, "Our apologies for not answering your email for the past 10 years", something with too strong an attraction to not open.

But once unlocked, the email scatters viral Assistants like demons from Pandora's Box, said programming consultant Everyn Paine.

"You just can't get rid of them," Paine bemoaned. "I not only deleted Windows and threw out the hard disk, but I melted the case and components in an industrial furnace.

"I then bought a brand new computer, turned it on, and there the damned things were again!"

Microsoft's head of security dismissal, Jim Allchin, was not available for comment. A puppet of him was provided, though, and when its string was pulled, it said his motto, "Putting in process restraints on getting code is better than technology changes in the operating system."

It is not known how Melissa obtained Bob's genetic materal. But a Microsoft employee, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims there is a safe in a deep cellar of the Redmond campus where frozen Assistant embryos are kept under lock and key. In case of a nuclear strike against corporate headquarters, they would subsequently be revived and used as an aid in quickly repopulating PCs with Windows.

Company spokesmen had no comment.

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