Microsoft Hires Jar Jar Binks to Head DOJ Defense Team

Cowed from endlessly aggravating the judge in the Department of Justice antitrust trial, Microsoft has decided to hire the Star Wars character Jar Jar Binks to head their defense team.

"We hope to provide some levity so the judge doesn't yell at us again," said lead Microsoft attorney Noah Sohl. "We get that enough from Bill [Gates]."

Sohl admits they based their courtroom style on Microsoft's business ethic, which is "to annoy others until they give up, after which we claim we won on technical merits." But Sohl says annoying a federal judge is not a cool move, so they are going to reverse their tactics and let the resident of the planet Naboo do all the interrogating.

And in a preliminary test of the computer-generated creature, the courtroom -- and judge -- were already in stitches. On the stand was an IBM executive who said the software giant threatened to charge full price to license Windows if they didn't pre-install only Microsoft products.

Binks approached the witness and said, "Yousa dink Eye-Be-Aim have gooda soft-hair to sale?"

The smiling executive jokingly answered, "Yes, I think our 'hair' is soft, but I don't think people would buy it."

"Ah-ham!" Binks said, jumping upright, "Even Eye-Be-Aim aztec-you-tive dink their prone-ducks is no good for sale! They joust jell-loose Meek-o-soft have better prone-ducks!"

Dan Gerous, the government's lead prosecutor, immediately tried to object to that line of reasoning, asserting the Gungas's heavy accent causes his words to be misunderstood. The chuckling judge overruled him.

"Meesa think Mr. Binks speech okee-dokee," replied the judge, mimicking the accent.

Shortly after the experiment, a triumphant Microsoft announced their decision to invest $150 million in Industrial Light and Magic, the effects shop that generates the Binks character.

Laughing over the strange patter Jar Jar uses, Microsoft Chairman and CEO Bill Gates commented, "His interface is new-generation, but our mutually empowered innovations will knowledge-flow cool reinvention on the road ahead!"

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