The Art of Windows B.S. (Bill Shui)

Bill Shui (pronounced, Bill shoo-ey) is the ancient Geek art of arranging one's Windows desktop to maximize positive energy, so as to prevent the attraction of Gatesunami, a tidal wave of evil and obliterating forces.

Here are some tips for a more safe and productive Windows experience:

1. Icons for crash-ladened programs like Word and Frontpage should be placed at the bottom of your Windows desktop, so they will symbolically have less distance to fall.

   Supporting-structure icons such as Norton Utilities and anti-virus scanners should line the sides, while Microsoft's safest and most-stable programs, like Notepad and Paint, may daintily cross the top of the screen.

2. Desktop colors should shy away from blue, which may "call" or attract the frequent "blue screen of death".

   Instead, use greens, which say, "I've disabled auto-updates" and "I use a Netscape browser, which doesn't hand over my files to Internet hackers like candy on Halloween!"

3. The best cure in Bill Shui is to remove all clutter.

   A Redmond Beast product sprays files, shortcuts, and other debris all over your hard disk and registry, like an unspayed housecat -- and it's just as impossible to get rid of the stink. Before you install Redmond Beast items, ask yourself, "Do I really trust this thing?" If not, use the CD-ROM, shiny-side-up, as an aroma-candle base. It will do no harm this way.

4. Sounds: Windows likes to play a soothing melody after it has destroyed your life's work. This may calm stockholders' brows, but it's no help for you!

   Replace breezy warning and destruction jingles with more suitable statements that associate with the event, like the phone number for the DOJ, or the humorous billionaire claiming it's what customers demand.

5. Watch what "nutrition" you put in your drive's "mouth".

   Just like a restaurant that gives you a coupon for a free meal after it has served you a plate's worth of botulism, Redmond Beast likes to trick you back with offers of upgrades and patches. Run! from this greasy spoon. Your computer deserves healthy and organic recipes.

And remember, always strive for harmony
through a balanced Yin/Youtput.

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